Kurt's Blog: Conversations Around the Fire

Since 1994, Kurt has offered contemplative kayaking retreats in Alaska through Inside Passages. His work as a mindfulness teacher now includes regular mindfulness retreats and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) classes in the Seattle area. Kurt's book "The Circumference of Home", and other essays and writings, are also available on this site. He periodically updates his blog reflections on this page, "Conversations Around the Fire".

Dec 14 2013

Winter Solstice Reflection


Hiking near Sisters, OR

Last week I attended a Zen Rohatsu retreat in Bellingham. The Rohatsu commemorates the Buddha’s enlightenment, which tradition says happened at this time of year, when the Buddha took his seat beneath the bodhi tree and vowed not to move until he had gotten to the root of enlightened mind. His enlightenment moment happened at dawn after sitting all night, when he saw the morning star, and was struck by the full, wide-open insight that life, all matter, all form and experience truly is woven together at its core. All is alive. There is nothing whatsoever to fear.

Within the Zen tradition, Rohatsu is the most important retreat of the year. Often it includes at least one all-night sit, where students take upon themselves Buddha’s commitment to become awakened, no matter what.

The silent Rohatsu retreat I attended lasted three days instead of the usual seven. The schedule was not so rigorous as it is in the Zen monasteries of Japan. But there were still long hours of sitting each day. As the final day of the retreat came to an end at 9:00 PM, we were invited to sit longer into the night, as the Buddha did long ago, if we felt so moved. I was tired. My knees ached. I was ready to call it a day. But when the last bell had rung, I decided to sit just a bit longer. I joined the half-dozen or so other Zen students who stayed in the meditation hall as the others quietly left for the night.

I didn’t stay to prove anything. It wasn’t a contest or a marathon. I just felt like it. One hour became two, then three, then four. Time melted into a vigil, held within the deep darkness of a mid-winter’s night. Somewhere in the night I napped for a couple of hours on my cushion, then resumed sitting for the last two hours before dawn. I sat with all the things that feel so wrong about the world, and all the things that make no sense about my life. I sat with all the things I have yet to accomplish, and all the things I have given up trying to accomplish. I sat with a deep knowing that my time left on this earth is short, and my life – all life – is precious beyond what anyone can truly comprehend.

It felt as though my snarky contentions about right and wrong became tributaries of a much larger river. All my fears and hopes, insufficiencies and self-doubts, just kept flowing into a great river that was big enough to hold it all.

This is the raft I want to ride on. But it is arguably not as easy as it used to be. And it was never easy to begin with. So much is dying now, so much more to let go of than just my own small life. In his recent NY Times piece, Learning How To Die In the Anthropcene, Roy Scranton has written:

In the epoch of the Anthropocene, the question of individual mortality — “What does my life mean in the face of death?” — is universalized and framed in scales that boggle the imagination. What does human existence mean against 100,000 years of climate change? What does one life mean in the face of species death or the collapse of global civilization? How do we make meaningful choices in the shadow of our inevitable end?

These are questions that haunt me in the night. Where is the river that is big enough to carry life forward beyond humanity’s end, beyond the end of the bio-sphere that gave birth to us? Can I drink even that down, stay in the rapids of that, without losing heart or hope?

Maybe it wasn’t so different in the Buddha’s time. No doubt it was this same fierce beauty and wonder at our transient passage through Time – this same drinking it all down – that shined through for the Buddha when he glimpsed the morning star all those centuries ago. It is that same fierce beauty and wonder that offers to break things open again in our own hearts – and again and again. Endlessly, forever.

Hafiz writes:

If I were in the Tavern tonight, / I would buy freely for everyone in the world

Because our marriage with the Cruel Beauty / Of time and space cannot endure very long.

Death is a favor to us / But our minds have lost their balance.

The miraculous existence and impermanence of Form / Always makes the illuminated ones

Laugh and Sing.

 

 

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    Sep 21 2013

    Long Wave, Short Wave


    Kurt & Sally among icebergs at LeConte Bay near Petersburg, Alaska

    I came home from Alaska recently after two months on the “long wave”. Over many weeks I lived unplugged, which allowed me to fall under the spell of direct time, and to fall out of virtual time.

    This is very bad for business. I should be more concerned. I am as aware as anyone that if I’m not on Facebook or Twitter for more than a couple weeks consecutively, I’ve effectively ceased to exist. I’m gone. Disappeared. Poof!

    Yet here is what it feels like on the inside. It’s more like I’ve “fallen awake.” I’ve “come to.” I feel myself immersed again in the world that actually gave birth to my body, the world that will receive my body back into itself when I die. The world to which my mind and senses have the possibility of a direct relationship in real time.

    Maybe that’s good enough.

    I realize that I’ve squandered whatever momentum I may have achieved with this blog, for example. It’s been two months since I offered a fresh entry. But maybe that’s okay too. To be honest, these blog posts often feel like putting a note in a bottle and tossing it into an unknown sea. Occasionally a boat picks one up. But it’s not the same as actually being on that boat.

    There is something thin about online communication. It is a powerful tool, for sure, and I will continue to use it. But it is never the same as actually being with someone, sharing the same piece of ground beneath our feet, feeling the same wind and sun on our faces as we exchange words and body language, hold each other’s gaze, sharing our struggles and our successes in actual living presence.

    So my goal this fall and winter is to stay on the long wave as best I can, even in the turbulence of a short wave world. To pull this off, I realize I am going to have to do less, to say “No” to more things, and “Yes” more robustly to the things that I still feel called to do. My family and friends certainly deserve that from me. My teaching is also at the center of what feels important to me these days. I love the direct connection with my students. The in-person nature of our encounters, the aliveness of our connections. Let there be more of that.

    I will need to give less attention to the menu of daily distractions that keep me from my real work, and to the open-pit mine of psychological manipulation that masquerades as the daily “news”. I will need to meet my restlessness and anxiety “at the door laughing, and invite them in”, as Rumi put it, not fleeing into busyness or distraction to escape them. This is the hardest work of all for me – to turn toward what is difficult in my life, and invite it in as the essential teacher it surely is. There may be no other way, and I am learning to welcome the challenge of it.

    So this is what I plan to do with this next season of my life. Whether it is good for business or not.

     

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      Jul 07 2013

      Postcard from the Edge


      As I look out from the lodge onto Keene Channel this morning, I can barely tell where the line is between water, forest and sky. I can barely tell where my own body leaves off, and this wild world begins. I’m writing this by hand. Later, when I load the skiff with laundry and head to town for supplies with my crew, I’ll transfer these words to my computer and send it along your way. Consider this a letter, then. “Blog” is one of the least alluring words ever consigned to the English language, in my opinion.

      I’ve just completed my first Inside Passages kayaking retreat of the season, with a terrific group of Courage & Renewal facilitators. My co-leaders on this trip have been John Fenner from the Center for Courage and Renewal, Noel Stout as assistant guide, and Emily White as lodge chef. What a great team.

      For a week I haven’t checked email. I haven’t heard a stitch of news either, and yet I feel flush with the news that matters; that I am awash in a still-vibrant world, that there are good people all around doing extraordinary work. William Carlos Williams wrote, “Look at what passes for the news /  You will not find it there.”

      So I have been busy this week listening to the news that issues from silence, from words carefully chosen, and from the ground beneath my feet. Sometimes it is delivered in human voices. Sometimes in the voice of raven, harbor porpoise, the wind in the spruce forest, or the sheets of rain pelting the water. There is a great deal to ponder here.

      John Fenner

      In her poem Where Does the Temple Begin, Where Does it End?, Mary Oliver writes,

      “There are things you can’t reach. But                                                                            you can reach out to them, and all day long.  

      The wind, the birds flying away. The idea of God.

      And it can keep you as busy as anything else, and happier.”  

      Noel Stout

       

      It is a strange thing, how my stubborn conviction that the world is tragically flawed can suck the life out of me, and make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thought, in my experience, has a bad habit of going negative, almost by design, and it is not a habit that can be cured by more thought. On the contrary, I have been learning to question my thoughts ruthlessly, take them on as the snarky, unruly crowd that they are.

      Emily White

      The best way to do that, I’ve found, is to let my thinking mind hammer away at its grievances, if it must, and in the meantime climb back down into my body, re-establish contact with the ground I stand on, or the flowing water beneath my kayak. That is what I have been doing all week during this retreat. My body knows what is needed, and what to do. Take the next step, or the next stroke of the paddle, but do it consciously. Feel myself doing it. Let go of the physical tension I hadn’t noticed I was carrying. Soften my senses. Open back up. Listen deeply. The mysterious thing is that if I keep at this for awhile, if I stay with the sensations of my body in a direct, immediate way, sure enough the mind lets go of the bone it’s been chewing on, and the world around me comes back into vibrant focus. The world that was alive all the while comes back alive in me. There it is again. Here I am again. Now, what does the world need from me?

                                                                                                                                                                              

       

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        Jun 06 2013

        “Narrow path to the deep north”


        I love the title that Basho gave his travel journals: “Narrow Path to the Deep North.” What I feel as I prepare to sail up the Inside Passage for another season of kayak guiding and commercial fishing in Alaska must be similar to what other migratory animals feel, when the urge for going sets in. There is a physical yearning for the “Deep North” that has been woven into my annual cycle now for over forty years. The salmon are returning. The great migration of birds and whales and humans is in full swing, pulled by the long days and warm weather to a place of Pleistocene plenty.

        Kurt dressing a large halibut “soaker” in Southeast Alaska in 2012

        For most of these years I’ve been a commercial fisherman, chasing salmon runs from Bristol Bay to the Panhandle, and halibut from Chatham Strait to the Gulf of Alaska. Now my commercial fishing gig is down to a single halibut trip in Southeast Alaska in August, after a month of guiding kayak trips. I’m starting to pull back on the throttle.

        But I love both these ways of being in the wild – as a guide and a fisherman – expressions of livelihood, not leisure,  played out in a still-primordial landscape. There are stakes involved, and risks. But being a commercial fisherman also has a powerful contemplative strain to it, which links it to mindfulness; a need to be fully present, and a visceral sense that I am a small player in a vastly more-than-human world.

        I’m well aware, as a student of the dharma, that commercial fishing contradicts a core Buddhist teaching against taking the life of other creatures. But many indigenous traditions think about this differently. I’ve always felt a powerful bond with Northwest Coast cultures, whose survival hinged for millennia on a deeply respectful dependence and reciprocity with the “salmon and halibut people”. I understand, as Gary Snyder has said, that one day the table will be set around me, and my flesh will flow back into these other creatures. I don’t have a problem with this. It gives me comfort, really, and a sense of powerful belonging on this coast. My work as a mindfulness teacher and fisherman are excursions onto the same wild edge, one inner, one outer. Both edges are alluring and untamable, bound by the poignant, transient nature of all our lives.

        I will not be updating these posts often while I’m in Alaska. I need this annual cycle of “time outside of time”, to lay my heart back out on the long wave. I don’t think we’re better for being at the beck and call of our media tools every waking hour of our lives, and I will be on something of a media fast over the coming weeks. May you also find yourself sailing on the long wave from time to time during these long days of summer.

        Wherever you may be reading this cyber-message-in-a-bottle, I hope it finds you well.

         

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          May 14 2013

          Joe Brewer on “Why global warming is a lousy meme.”


           

          Joe Brewer at Whidbey Institute Climate Conference
          Jim Carroll photo

          Joe Brewer is a policy analyst with Cognitive Policy Works in Seattle, and co-founder of DarwinSF. He is an energetic speaker who loves what he does and knows how to be serious and have fun at the same time. Recently Joe joined forces with a Hungarian colleague named Lazlo Karafiath to found the Climate Meme Project. He spoke about their groundbreaking work at a recent climate conference on Whidbey Island.

          According to Joe, “Memes are the genetic code of culture. They generate ideas and thoughts. Memes are viruses that replicate and spread throughout society. They activate across social networks to change human behavior. Cultural evolution comes about through the generation of new memes.”

          The first photos of earth from space, for example, were powerful memes that redefined us as interconnected passengers on “spaceship earth”, and helped launch the environmental movement. Memes often function beneath the radar of conscious awareness as they drive our thinking and behavior toward new forms of cultural expression and understanding.

          While global warming is arguably the greatest threat to human well being of our era, it has remained a niche concern, and has so far refused to spread virally. Joe and Lazlo started the Climate Meme Project when they realized that “global warming is a really lousy meme. It does a terrible job of spreading. It is really hard to get people to think about it and act upon it, it is really hard to get people on their own to feel compelled to tell stories about it, or to bring it up at cochtail parties.” Their research shows that the global warming meme has infected the minds of at best 5% of the world’s population. And given the scale of the actual thread posed to humanity by climate destabilization, this failure of the climate meme to infect our culture, and move us toward large-scale behavioral change, is a really big problem.

          Slide from Climate Meme Report

          The Climate Meme Project is creating an ecological map of the memes that have arisen around climate change – both positive and negative. What Brewer and Karafiath have found is that “a gloomy outlook pervades the whole global warming meme landscape. Choosing between extinction and a long-shot at basic survival is not appealing to the masses.” Memes that capture this feeling well include, “I don’t want our pale blue dot to be a brown smudge.”, and “Climate change is humanity’s ‘mission impossible’.” We tend to develop a culturally immunity to memes that make us feel helpless or overwhelmed.

          “The food of memes is human attention”, and memes that are not nourishing to our sense of possibility and well-being starve from lack of attention.

          Joe Brewer at Climate Conference
          Jim Carroll photo

          Examples of more effective memes include those that elicit a sense of agency, personal power, and the capacity for joy; “We can change really fast when we want to.” “There are so many solutions that we haven’t even thought of yet, that could be game changers.” “A fossil-free future is totally possible, here and now. And our lives will definitely be made better by it.”

          Joe and Lazlo have identified “symbiotic” memes as especially promising in this regard. These are memes that move our behavior in the same direction as climate memes, but without the baggage and negativity associated with gloomy climate thinking. These would include entrenpreneurial thinking around the new energy economy, social media that connect us in lively and joyful new ways, aiding the rapid spread of new social memes like the local food culture, the new bicycle culture, and new, more effective forms of political and activist engagement.

          The Climate Meme Project helps underscore how deeply this crisis is rooted in human perception, and how important the science of perception will be in dislodging our culture from its fossil fuel addictions. A synopsis of the current climate meme landscape, and how we can change it for the better, is presented in their new report. Learn how you can help Joe and Lazlo build and spread new climate memes based on collaboration, creativity, innovation and love.

          Slide from Climate Meme Project

           

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